Moving to Tohmana
by maruca
Summary: Atrus and Catherine return from Riven. But Catherine still has to face the truth about her sons. Is she able to forgive Atrus for choosing upon their children's fate all by himself? Will they find back together?
1. Myst Island

SPOILERS about the ending of Riven and about the opening sequence of Exile. A short story about Catherines' and Atrus' relationship between Riven and Exile. Catherine talks to "the Stranger" before he enters Atrus' study on Tohmana. Not suitable under the age of 13, as their physical relationship is mentioned. No strong language what so ever but I just wanted to warn you. Don't like, don't read.

Disclaimer: all characters and places belong to Cyan Inc. I don't make money with this fic. I just play with the characters.

I am not a native English speaker, so please forgive my spelling errors. This is my first Myst fic.

**Moving on... (To Tohmana)**

_**Myst Island**_

I knew something was wrong the moment we linked back to Myst Island. I felt Atrus' arms around me, even before I noticed my feet were back on the ground. I hugged him back and smiled at him. But his expression made my smile die away. He looked ashen and sad. "Atrus... what...?" "It was them. Our sons, they locked me too. I spent the last years in K'veer and you in Riven because they had betrayed us." "What, they wouldn't...Where are they?" My voice was alarmingly sharp. Where were my boys? Atrus didn't answer. A bell rang inside my head. "Atrus, where are they", I said again, worried about the answer. Atrus looked away from me "They will spend their remaining time on two different prison Ages. They can't link back at their will. But we can link in, and always talk to them. I am sorry, Catherine. They have destroyed many Ages, they were cruel and greedy. I had to act." Prison Ages. My sons were prisoners of their father. And he was my husband, my lover. The next moment everything went dark.

When I re-opened my eyes I found myself in the small guestroom next to the kitchen, a few floors below the library. I was still dressed in my dirty old clothes. The linens beneath me covered in mud. I got up, nearly stumbling over my own feet. I heard someone moving around in the kitchen. 'Was that Sirrus?' He always liked to cook with me, when he was little... but...but Sirrus was gone. My husband had banished him. I silently moved to the doorway, the door was open, the person working in the kitchen came into view: it was Atrus. 'He's is all that is left from your former life', I thought. But did I want to spend my life with a man who was able to lock away my sons, without letting me be part of the decision. Did he become like Gehn, his cruel father? What he had done to our sons seemed more like something his mad father would have done. Not Atrus. His face was white as a sheet, his hands, that were stirring soup in a pot trembled. Still, he was familiar: his face reminded me of the man I've married and loved, he had been the first one to touch my body and the one who cried in pleasure when he first held his sons. I closed my eyes in pain. The image of a younger Atrus, holding his sons after they were born didn't leave me, as I turned around and closed the door that led from the guestroom directly into the kitchen. I sat back on the bed. He had cried. He had called them his greatest pleasure. When Sirrus and Achenar were little he tried to spend more and more time with us at home. He still wrote and visited Ages, he had linked to - there was a lot to do - but when he returned, most of the time saddened and tired it was his little sons who were able to cheer him up. And it would be in my arms he shared the good or bad experiences he made in the other worlds. It made us stronger as a couple and I felt proud that I was not only his wife but also his best friend, the one he told everything.

A knock on the door startled me. Atrus entered, a large bowl of soup in his hand. "You're up" He looked at the muddy bed. "Don't worry about the bed... I just didn't dare to take your clothes off and wash you, I thought it was inappropriate to... you know, come too close", he said, not daring to look me in the eye. I nodded curtly; I was thankful but not able to open my mouth. He gave me the dish with soup. I took it without thanking him.

I spent a few weeks in my room. I couldn't stand being in the same room as he was. But he cooked for me. I went outside when I felt imprisoned. I walked around on the island but I always saw pictures of my sons wherever I went. "That was Sirrus favourite spot to look at the stoneship, when he was little." "Over there Achenar first called Atrus 'Daddy'."

After one of those walks on the island I returned (as usual) in tears. Atrus stood on the doorstep of the library. I felt empty. "Catherine..." "It's Katrun", I growled, standing only a few steps away from him. He looked at me startled. "I know. But you asked me to keep it that way..." "I know!" I shouted at him. "But I'm changed. And you... don't make me start about you. You have become like your father." Atrus looked at me in shock. A moment I thought he would start screaming or he would even slap my face. But he looked at me horrified and turned around." "Yes Atrus, turn your back at me! Go to another world where your wife can't ruin your day. Or maybe you'll find a different one!" He turned around. He looked pale and hurt. With a voice full a determination he said: "I will never...I don't want any other than you." He walked away from me, down the island. I felt horrible. "But do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who hates you!" He was in front of the planetarium when I said those words. I was still standing in front of the library. Our eyes met. And then he started crying. "You think it was an easy choice!" "Of course not. But it was an unethical choice. One a father would never make! It reminds me of something Gehn would do without hesitation." "BUT I DID!" he was screaming now. I walked towards him. "Did what?" "HESITATE! If only you knew, how much! Actually I had the same thought about Gehn" I furrowed my brow. "When I had to decide ALONE about my sons! The thought of making a choice, my father would have done easily it's...it's. I know you are hurt and angry and you think I am a monster..." I nodded. He held one hand up "... but think about our sons, think about what happened on different islands. They were also disrespectful in the past..." I shook my head. "BUT NEVER IN A WAY, THAT WOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU THE RIGHT TO..." "Catherine... I understand your rage" "You don't understand a thing!" He gave up. Thinking back I am quite surprised how long he argued. Never before and after that we talked about our feelings that openly and in a real fight.

From that evening on he stopped preparing dinner for me. So I did it myself, avoiding the kitchen, when he was there.

I withdrew completely. For another month or so I didn't speak to him. I tried to get into his study, but the door was closed with a special device, when he wasn't there, but he never left for a long time. I once entered when he was in the room next door but I couldn't identify the books that led to the prison ages, as he refused to tell me the Ages' names. "You are not ready Catherine. And you are not doing this alone. And before all: not without knowing everything, the entire story." that was his calm but surprisingly determined-sounding reply when I asked him to free them. I hated him and I ignored his attempts to tell me anything.

One day I heard a strange sound from the study like books being thrown around. I went to check. Was one of my sons back?

When I entered the room, Atrus was kneeling on the floor. As soon as he saw me standing there he got up heavily." I lost my first notes about J'nanin. The emerald-green book. The one I once bought on Riven the year we met", he explained. I scanned the room. "Second bookcase left from the door. Second row from the top..." "I can see it! Thanks my dear." I froze. "Good night Atrus." I quickly left. He looked tired and defeated. But he didn't melt. He refused to get me in contact with my sons before I agreed on seeing what they had done to the other ages and its people.

A week later I was bored. Another feeling that returned to me. Another feeling, that didn't feel good.

I had been quite comfortable the first months all by myself, not moving a finger unless for cooking. Sometimes I had wished to talk to a friend, but I didn't have the strength to leave the age, as I was also physically sick during that time and I had no idea where to go. And I would have needed one of Atrus' books to link away and I never wanted to talk to him. I still avoided him completely. I also cooked and ate alone as usual.

But that morning I was bored. I needed something to do. My thoughts were always the same. I was going in circles. My thoughts depressed me. A lot of open questions.

I went into the study. I hesitated in the doorway, but then I entered the room. It looked exactly the same way it had the last time I had entered his study a week ago. Books all over the floor! Not like they were laying everywhere in chaos, Atrus loved them too much to do that. They were piled, but still: they were on the floor. In the middle of the room was a desk full of notes and more books, and Atrus sitting there. As usual he was writing. "You left the whole mess how it was?" I said silently. His head jerked up. "Um Catherine I didn't hear you enter. What mess?" I rolled my eyes. "Remember the night you looked for the J'nanin notes", I said annoyed and sharp as if I talked to a particularly stupid five-year-old. He ducked slightly. "That's what I meant Atrus." "Sure. No, I didn't find the time. I piled them though..." I rolled my eyes again and started putting the books back to their shelves. He quickly turned his eyes to his notes but the situation was too awkward for him to write I guess. But finally he added a few sentences. "Where is the Amateria section?" "Over there, see the Voltaic..." "Yes, I got it", I said, much calmer, feeling how good it was to do something. He smiled at me. I gave a small smile back. But I felt very uncomfortable.

Still: I worked without feeling the need to get more distance between us. I didn't feel comfortable with him, but I wasn't nauseated anymore. As long as he didn't try to have a conversation. He had the wisdom not to speak a word and not to look at me. He knew how fragile things were.

I felt empty and very lonely. It was different from the feeling I had felt in Riven. There I have been longing for my family all the time, not knowing what had happened. There I had given anything to be one with Atrus again. Talk to him, feel him. I dreamed about being a family again. Hugging my sons. A heart-breaking loneliness. Like a fire, hot and burning from the inside. The one I felt while working silently in Atrus study was different. Blank. Empty. Cold. We were together alone. The person that used to be the closest person I had in a former, life was there but didn't mean much to me anymore. I didn't really wish to be with him, but not being on speaking terms and still BEING together on the same island was an indescribable feeling. It was paralysing my soul. It was too much pressure, to feel like having no one, even if there was "someone".

While putting the books back to their shelves I thought about our sons. And I think that this afternoon in Atrus study I was over the worst part of dealing with the difficult situation I was in. It was that moment, when I realized, that Sirrus and Achenar had stopped being my babies a long time ago. They had been disrespectful, yes that is true. They lied a lot. They made us lot of trouble. I thought about it and suddenly remembered that Atrus had more patience and forgiveness with them than many other fathers would have had in his situation. Often it had been ME who was the one screaming at my adolescent sons, crying over them and being angry. Not him. All though he WAS angry he tried to negotiate much sooner then I sometimes did. I sat down. That memory made it hard to stick with the idea, that they had been just a little wild. But what could they have done to deserve to be held on a prison island?

Atrus gave me a look but didn't say anything. "I need a break" I said, more to myself. He smiled. "Quite understandable with all the mess I made." I smiled back at him. Not a real smile actually, but just a very small smile, more a twitching of my lips. It felt strange. Like a movement I had forgotten about. But he saw it and self-consciously he turned back to his books.

That was how things started to move again. Very very slowly. Our distance would not only mark the end of our time here but also the time on Chroma'Agana.

The night I was tossing and turning in my bed. Had comparing Atrus to Gehn more than a month ago, been a mistake? Atrus had always tried to be different from Gehn. He had taken care of the children and he had introduced them to the Ages as places where one should always behave like a guest and be polite and respectful to its laws and people.

The next day I started cleaning several rooms, making a fire of things we didn't need anymore. I started reading a bit. But still we didn't talk much. I began to feel ready to face what my sons had done. Once while cleaning around Atrus desk I saw a glimpse of one of his diaries.

"...A room full of instruments to torture people. Gold that didn't belong to him. I found a corpse when I opened a wooden box. I don't want to think about that he is my son. During his first year on his prison island he told me the story about the gold and the torture, laughing about how much fun he had had with those people..."

I felt startled. I left the room quickly and ran to my bedroom. I closed my eyes and cried.

I woke up when Atrus knocked on the door. He held a bowl in his hand.

"Onion soup, your favourite", he said. "Onions? There are no onions here", I managed to say. My voice was harsh and dry. He gave me a very small smile. "Mmm from a different age", he mumbled. "I bring you some bread." He moved to the door. "Did you eat", I asked him. I had found my voice again. "What - I... no, I haven't," he answered, looking at me all tired and worried. I stood up, clutching the hot bowl of soup in my hands. I followed him into the kitchen, put it on the table and added a second one. "Please, join me." He looked at me full of hope. "Will you hear me Catherine?" "First we eat," I answered.

We ate in silence. I was hungry. I ate half of the bread. I had lost a lot of weight because of all I had been through and I felt very weak." Atrus noticed my appetite. "I want my curves back," I said dryly 'My first joke'. I thought, almost shocked by it. But I didn't let my face show my emotions. Atrus, sitting opposite me nodded about my comment and blushed. Strangely it made my smile. It reminded me of the Atrus I had loved and teased with this kind of comments. His reaction was still the same, always touchy when it came to physical stuff. His smile faded early enough. We were serious and silent again.

I watched him eating his soup. He looked so familiar. But this wasn't the same person anymore, wasn't he? I still had doubts. He looked thin and very old. Lonely. Another lonely person. He noticed me looking at him. I cleared my throat.

"I don't know what to think about you. I remember how much you loved our children. I also remember how they destroyed one of your Ages. We then thought it was part of their puberty phase. Remember? Yes you do... So do I. I do now. I allow myself to remember. You know...the longer I think about it...the better I can even imagine them doing all of this to us. I mean...I...it hurts. Thinking that your children...I read that page of your diary that laid there all open. What have they done? And I HATED and DOUBTED YOU" I started crying. "Catherine" he said, his voice trembling. "You had every right do hate me from your point of view. Not knowing all the details. Coming back and discover that your husband you longed to see for so long had imprisoned your sons" "I nodded." That's how I felt", I said. He gave me an intense look and a sigh to that comment. "I stopped believing we would ever have this conversation we are having now. I am so glad we do," he said silently. "It means we move. Not in terms of "moving on", not yet, but we move", I added, staring past him at a pot hanging from the ceiling. "What did they do?" I said, my voice trembling.. I started crying again "I...sorry, I can't help it... no it's okay, don't move. Don't touch me." He sat down again after making a move towards me." He sat down again. "Shhh... Catherine, I think you should see it with your own eyes. Maybe you'll see why I decided to lock them away." I looked at him full of anger "UNDERSTAND?" "No Catherine. SEE. Maybe you'll never understand because there is nothing to be fully understood. Maybe I made a mistake. But if I am honest to myself, when I think about, what they had done I know why I made the decision to lock them on prison islands." We looked at each other in silence. I still sobbed. "My decision hunts me. The effect it had on us hunts me too. Even though that weight is getting lighter, now that we are speaking about it all. I was sure it had destroyed our relationship forever. I ask myself all the time if I had made the wrong choice. But I never reached the conclusion, that I should release them. I am afraid of my own children..." he buried his head in his left hand. I grabbed the other one over the table, his bowl of soup falling to the ground, spilling the broken clay and onion soup to the floor.

He told me everything, down to the last details. I never had listened before. Not in one and a half years. I had just desperately tried to find a way to them during the first year and trying to find a sense in the whole tragedy. All this time I had avoided my husband.

Atrus told me your story my friend. How you were solving the mystery, about the destroyed Ages. I never heard of you until that evening. I saw for the first time how much Atrus had hated himself for deciding over his sons' fate all by himself. And they had also tricked me into a trap. Atrus had told me so the moment we arrived on Myst Island. But I hadn't believed it. It hadn't made any sense then I fully realized that my imprisonment wouldn't have taken place without my boys. They made me a prisoner first. "I was their prisoner. We both were", I said with a crisp voice. Atrus looked at me. Partly pained and partly relieved. He was no longer my enemy.

I took a shower after that crucial meal. It felt good to wash it all down. The water was mixed with tears.

The next few days we visited the Ages they had visited and destroyed. It was painful to come across dead bodies in boxes and holograms full of hatred. More than once I asked myself: 'Where did my sons go?' These weren't my babies. The more I learned about them the more I fooled myself into thinking I was gaining distance. The first time I would face them on their prison islands, eight years later I would know I hadn't gained any distance at all. But that day, all my feelings of failure, anger and sadness went into my subconsciousness.

When we returned from our last trip, Atrus revealed me the names of the Prison island: Spire and Haven. Haven, not Heaven.

As much as I had pleaded to see them when I returned from Riven, I didn't go. After seeing what they had done to others I couldn't bear the thought to see them.

Somehow when I think back it was almost easier for me to think that my two sons were able to do things I thought only Gehn was capable of. What a thing to say about my sons, I know. But I wouldn't have survived, if the man I've chosen to be my husband, and the one I was stuck on Myst Island for two years, would turn on his fathers' ways of punishment without any reason. When he REALLY had been the monster I thought he was.

I spent a month sleeping in the guest chamber. Recovering. Gaining strength. Crying a lot. I was relieved I didn't see Atrus as a copy of Gehn anymore. Step by step I understood what he must have been through when he had to act against his sons to avoid further destruction. He had only a few minutes to decide. And he was their father. Still I needed time. We talked just a little bit more than before the day I finally listened to him. But it as less awkward.

Two years after returning to Myst Island we sat over breakfast when I couldn't hold back anymore: "Atrus, bring me away from here." He looked up. "What?" "I can't stand this place anymore. It's the place where the boys grew up, where we have been a family. And where I hated you for a decision you never wished to make. I need to move on." After a short silence he simply answered "Me too."


	2. Chroma'Agana

_**Chroma'Agana**_

Two weeks later we lived in Chroma'Agana.

Wait: has it been ten years already, since we left Myst Island? Ten? Yes indeed! What will the next ten years bring? Well, when the moment has arrived we'll know.

Our time in Chroma'Agana was difficult on many levels, but not as disastrous as Myst Island. I don't remember details, like conversations or meals. Just the cloudy mood. We basically worked together, but none of us started the discussion about what we were to each other. I felt as if we had to become friends again, before becoming a couple again. And that was already difficult to achieve. We didn't really achieve it. Not on Chroma'Agana the carbon copy of Myst island. Sorry, I am exaggerating. It looked not THAT much like Myst Island, but still... The surrounding didn't help me to forget or to move on much. I had lost all hatred towards Atrus. But we were silent all the time. We were more like colleagues working on a project than friends. And we were far away of being a couple! Sometimes, during our time on this second island we called a home, I wished for an outburst. For what good you ask? Well, just to be able to discuss something, I guess. But we both preferred the stagnation to the storm. So, Atrus and I lived there like strangers to each other, polite and friendly.

When we were speaking to each other, we talked about the restoration of D'ni. This was the main work we did during our time on that island. But we didn't discuss the past much, and never talked about our current situation together. Most of our talk was about the future. The future of D'ni, of the Writers, of certain Ages. But never a word about the future of our family. I think that was always a bit the thing with Atrus: He is full of plans and ideas what he wants to do, to explore, and to write. But he was never good with the problems in his real life. All though Myst Island was an exception. Without his efforts and patience we would never had a chance. Today things are like it was before the whole tragedy. He lives in his books and I have to remind him, that there is a real life to live. But since Yeesha was born, it is much better. And I have my ways to remember him I am there. And I am not only talking about cooking his favourite dishes. Oh, hey, what are you looking at me like that. Did I say something? Don' be so touchy. You are no better then Atrus in that area, huh?

My behaving on Chroma'Agana wasn't really helpful as I didn't do any move towards him. I thought a lot about the past and our sons, but I was okay with the things being as they were. Calm. Not relaxed. But no more like a war. Or maybe I was simply too tired to change the situation. Atrus finished the book of Releeshan. I felt very unwell during that time. Restless. The island, who looked a lot like Myst Island (the same scale and features, although not the same sort of trees) had a big part in that.

I am sure you're asking yourself now how it comes, that I am now holding a baby on my arms. After all I told you. Seems impossible, doesn't it? Well it was a long journey. The most painful and difficult one I ever made. If someone had told me back on Chroma'Agana that we would have another baby, I would have stared at him not believing what I heard. And don't get me started how I would have reacted if somebody had foreseen this when I was on Myst Island...! "Impossible" I would have said. And I think if we had stayed on Chroma'Agana we would never found our way back together. But we did.

Four years ago we moved to Tohmana. It was me who made the dice rolling again.

One evening I had spilled my thoughts. "I need something that looks different. Chroma'Agana reminds me too much of Myst Island. What about you?" Atrus didn't answer first. The he said: "I know where to go. We'll move in a month." He never answered my question but I knew the answer anyway.


	3. TohmanaExile

_**Tohmana**_

Tohmana was the one place to be. I knew it as soon as I arrived there. It was different. It was sunny,

Atrus made himself comfortable in his study; I needed a field of work myself. I didn't feel like writing Ages the first year there, so I felt like studying plants. Tohmana had a lot of interesting plants and I was busy. With Myst Island and its "copy" gone from my life I could also move on with my thoughts about my purpose. It became clear: My sons were a tragedy in my life, but I still missed being a family.

Two years passed. I never found the strength in all the years since returning from Riven to see my boys. I think I needed another child before being able to face them. At the same time I hated myself for my weakness. They must miss their mother I thought. Atrus occasionally visited them. They wished to see me. But he always returned crying and telling me about how much hatred they showed towards him. His stories made it impossible for me to gather the strength to see them.

We became friends again, Atrus and me. But I wasn't ready to be more then a friend. Not for the first two years on Tohmana. Not in 9 years since returning. But there was still no pressure from his side. Not really. But he had changed. He looked at me differently a year after moving here. And the he tried a few times - in his clumsy way - to signalise that he desired me. The first time it made me panic. Where came that change from? He had never looked at me in Chroma'Agana! Did I want to be a couple again? But it wasn't only him who was changing, although in the first two years I never responded to him. Occasionally I hugged him but the wounds were too deep. Still when I looked at him, studying and writing, there was a warmth inside of me. A warmth I never expected to feel again. That was how I fell for Atrus... again. Much slower than the first time, but much harder.

A year before Yeesha was born I realized that I wanted a family. My plants weren't enough. And the new world of Serenia, a very spiritual place I visited many times made it clear to me: I needed a child and I wanted it with no other man than Atrus.

I remember it clearly: It was a quiet and peaceful evening. Atrus had finished some devices in his study and looked content, I was tired after the good meal I had. Since arriving on Tohmana I slept in the small house which will probably later become Yeeshas' room. As for now she still sleeps in a small bed in our room. She is already too big for her first crib.

But on that particular evening before Yeesha was born and to the day 10 years since returning from Riven I felt fine for the first time since my days as a family on Myst island. 10 years is not as much time in our lives as it is for human beings. We live much longer. But still, it was enough time.

That evening, I felt fine. I sat outside of the kitchen eating fruit with Atrus and talking about a world he had linked to. His eyes were full of happiness and pride, like they used to be in his early days of writing Ages. I liked his smile and didn't listen much to his words, as I was too tired. I checked my knitting. "And there are a lot of trees, not like those in Haven, you know, much greener, and friendlier-" "Atrus I'm going to sleep in your room tonight", I simply said, concentrating back on the knitting. I shot a short glance at him and had a hard time not to start laughing. He looked completely taken by surprise and looked as terrified as if I had said there was a camoudile standing behind him. That was so typical for him. Finally he found his voice again: "Are you sure...I mean, why now?" I shrugged my shoulders. "I needed time...I just I'd like to. Now, tonight, because it's you." He looked very touched. He got the message. This was not about feeding a desire. It was about us. About me, being in love with him

He got up. He looked me in the eye. I smiled. Not, that he didn't wanted to, He took my hand, he pulled the lever, we crossed the bridge to his room. We fell on the bed. "Catherine, what..." "Shhh. I think it's the perfect time. I am still able to conceive very well. Please Atrus, let's start over." He had tears in his eyes. "Yes, let's start again. I just..." I shushed him again. And then we forgot all around us.

Later that night, after hours of making love and being completely spent I watched him sleep and I knew that the last step to our new beginning was made. The next morning I moved my clothes and belongings to his room. It became our room.

Two weeks later I started decorating my former sleeping chamber for the arriving of a child.

9 months later, Yeesha was born. She is 1 year old now. We have visited our sons together for the first time. It is a difficult experience for us. But having a little girl helps. Still, our relationship as a couple isn't the same. I am happy with him but there are clouds that weren't there before. We are not sure about the degree of the terror our sons have caused to other people like the people of the five Ages Atrus once made for our sons to practice the Art. Both of them are not eager to tell, but they say they're sorry. I don't know. The mother in me would love to believe it. But I don't really do. Maybe we have to wait a little longer until we can talk about their fate.

_**Before Exile... the clouds before the storm**_

Sorry, I talked a lot. But now you know why we are here in Tohmana. But hurry now, my friend get into the study, Atrus awaits you. I shouldn't have filled your head like that. Go inside now. Yeesha, let's sit down on that bench until your daddy is ready. Okay? That's it. Are you hungry Go ahead my friend! Atrus is in his study"

**_EDIT_**:

_4th edit: Thanks to Cactus Wren to help me get the time frame right. Complicated family! Can't they just stay in one place and have a quiet life /b :eyebrow: If you ask yourself why this fic has doubled in length... well it's because of Teroglahn who thought the two of them found together waaaayyy to easily. Satisfied now?_

_I also let "Word" check the (horrible!) spelling.But well its 5 am here and I'm still working on it_


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